Poem from the Dumped

Spooning with you last night was the best

Now I clutch a pillow to my chest

Lying awake, awaiting slumber

Forgetting you and your telephone number

This is how it always ends

From dating or hookup to being just friends

Those words are said with the best of intentions

But there’s one little catch that nobody mentions:

Things won’t be like they were before

We won’t talk much anymore

We’ll make plans to go have coffee together

That will probably be the day after never

Soon I’ll meet somebody new

She’ll hump me then dump me just like you

That’s the nature of modern-day dating:

No-risk, free trial impersonal mating

Poem in the Tip Jar

A___, has anyone wrote you a poem before?

If so then here’s one more

If not then sweet,

My A___ poem cannot be beat

So you don’t date musicians- that’s too bad

‘Cause I think girls who carry a knife are rad

You can slice open sacks of Arabica beans

And scare the hipsters who are stuck-up and mean

Or carve bars of soap into pirate ships

And cut off the fingers of those who don’t tip

Yeah I know it’s for opening boxes and shit

But when I start writing rhymes I don’t know when to quit.

I wrote this ‘cause you made my day

At a time when I felt like moving away

So take this poem from a random guy

And give me free refills or maybe a chai

Greyhound Haikus

I am in fresno
waiting for the next bus home
back to San Jose

Lots of shady dudes
here at the greyhound station
it's like a magnet

Best sunday ever
falling asleep in your arms
cars drove by below

hope your washer works
and doesn't flood your bathroom
or make too much noise

I love cold pizza
the garlic knots are good too
I have garlic breath

A commercial I worked on...

...is blowing up! It's been shown during the Indy 500, the World Cup and on networks like Fox and ESPN!

Angry Breakup Song